Covid Self-Portraits
In 2020, when the Covid-19 shutdowns began, as a photographer, one of the hardest parts was losing the ability to tell people’s stories through photographs. So I instead turned the lens on myself as a way to document, my own life and mental state through that first year and half. It was my way of keeping myself in check while sharing my own personal journey through lockdown.
May 24, 2020
Self Portrait #1 - All dressed up and nowhere to go.
May 25, 2020
Self Portrait # 2 - Everything came to a screeching halt back on November 4th with that car wreck that nearly broke my neck. I spent the next 16 weeks in doctors offices, having MRI's, traction and physical therapy. January saw gossip & other peoples issues utterly destroy my foundation & my faith. March 3rd, a tornado flattened my neighborhood, and then the virus and lockdown came. It's been 74 days now since I've physically touched another human being.
These six months have taken literally everything from me; my career, my outreach and my personal life. People reach out with worry & concern about my mental health, my weight loss and a myriad of other things. And I appreciate it. I respond, "Hanging in there... By a thread, but hanging in there." And it’s true. I am.
I survive. It's all I really know how to do well. Well that and fire a shutter.
I focus daily on the idea that its for the greater good. I plan, I practice, I rest, I forgive, I love, I breathe and I believe. I believe the pieces will come back, they will ultimately be in a different form, but they will return and when they do I will be prepared.
I will be open, I will be kinder, I will be smarter, I will be more honest, I will accept, I will soften, I will listen, I will be patient, I will trust, I will have space, I will love.
I will survive. And so will you.
May 27, 2020
Self Portrait #3 - The world can be a very ugly place. I'm grateful to have a beautiful space to process that fact from. I'm shown daily the privilege I live with, I'm reminded daily of how blessed I am in so many ways. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how people are treated, used, overlooked, tortured and thrown away by either society, racism or simple cruelty. As an empath, sometimes I have to tune it out. Sometimes I just go to Instagram and scroll through #budgiesofinstagram. The birds are beautiful and funny and sweet. They are never cruel, they are never mean, they are never ugly. They are what I aspire to be; bright, happy, beautiful and silly. Of course they are also loud. Today I am reminded to be loud. I'm reminded to use all that privilege I live with. Today I am calling DA Mike Freeman in Minneapolis to request that the officers who mercilessly murdered George Floyd while he begged for his life be arrested and charged with murder. 612-348-5550 - Today I will be a bird
June 1, 2020
Self Portrait #4 - Yes, I sometimes visit the cards. The deck I prefer for reflection is The Goddess Deck. Over these past few months, I consistently draw this card over and over again; IX Chang O. She is the Chinese Moon Goddess and was exiled to the moon for to her desire to obtain divinity and immortality. With a white hare as her only companion she spent much of her time alone, contemplating life's mysteries.
In Tarot, this cards meaning is the need to go within to gain knowledge and to own ones divinity. To withdraw in order to better understand life.
Up until a few days ago, I have seen this card as a representation of this time of isolation during Coronavirus. And I still do. However, with the growing racial tension & unrest, I realize that I should put less contemplation on myself and more on those around me.
After all, This card is from the Major Arcana, which represents someone else; a teacher or a guide, rather than yourself. I am not Chang O, but I hope to be the white hare at her side. Her ally and her friend.
It's no coincidence that on Friday the full Strawberry moon will be in our skies. And as I look to it, I will look for Chang O and to all people of color and all people who have been exiled and I will listen to them. I will hear them. I will examine my own whiteness & my own privilege to go about freely.
Just living in this body means that I do not have to live in exile like so many of my brothers and sisters do.
Yes, rather than contemplating my own life, I will be contemplating how to best lift up the lives of others and make their voices heard. I will contemplate how to best be the white hare... secondary, smaller. But vigilant, constant and present.
June 8, 2020
Self Portrait #5 - Protest... then get ya some provisions and lock your ass down for two weeks. Yes, we can both address the Rona and fight to undermine systemic racism. - In the words of my favorite President, Yes we can!
June 11, 2020
Self Portrait #6 - Like everyone I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I've also been looking toward the future. I tell my clients all the time, "Face the light!" I mean it quite literally in terms of photography. It eliminates shadows and exposes your best features. Lately I've meant it more metaphorically. But the sentiment is the same.
The only way out of the shadows is to face the light. So let's bring all this stuff right out into the sunshine and really look at it. I know that these times seem dark and I too have been guilty of falling into depression and feelings of hopelessness but I am starting to see these days as necessary.
I am learning, re-learning, un-learning. And I am not alone. So many of us are using this time to evolve and change and embrace the future. I do have hope for the future. I think it could be the brightest this country and quite possibly the global community has ever seen.
Science is proving itself to be real, no matter what our opinions are. People are breaking with long held ideals and are beginning to accept new truths. Society in general is demanding equality for not only black lives but marginalized people overall. Young people are leading the way and doing so with great heart and passion.
Are there some out there refusing to look in the mirror? Is some of the momentum met with angst and fear and anger? Are those voices loud and sometimes hateful? Absolutely. But I deeply believe they are the minority.
I've said many times that the sounds of this time of unrest are the death rattle of a mindset that no longer serves us or this planet. Death rattles are gross and uncomfortable but necessary for release. So embrace that too.
The louder they are, the more it means our efforts are working. The uglier it gets, the more it means they feel the pressure.
Don't give up. Not now, not ever. - Face the light.
June 15, 2020
Self Portrait #7 - Things I believe...
* If you believe "All Lives Matter" and have ever uttered the words "Blue Lives Matter" then it should be easy for you to also say "Black Lives Matter", "LGBT Lives Matter" or "Trans Lives Matter". Otherwise you do not actually believe all lives matter, you only believe people who think like you matter, so say that instead.
* Covid is not affiliated with any political party.
* I hate wearing a mask in public, it is binding and stifling and gives me anxiety and a headache, but I will continue to wear one out of respect for you!
* We are at a global turning point regarding equality, you get to choose what side of history you stand on. Choose wisely.
* The earlier body cam footage from Atlanta regarding Rayshard Brooks is pretty damning and explains why the Chief of Police resigned and the officer was immediately fired.
* The Confederate flag is literally a symbol that is anti-American flag. We fought a war about it. The American flag won.
* Removing statues does not erase history. There are books, libraries encyclopedias, classrooms, museums and the entire internet where you can read up on all the history of all of the world. And if the only way you know history is through statues, I'm kinda worried about you in the first place.
* In spite of Mitch McConnell, the Supreme Court worked today.
* I stand with humanity, I side with empathy, I applaud kindness, and will only vote for candidates who embody those traits.
* Training puppies not to chase kittens while training kittens not to chase birds is time consuming but adorable and absolutely doable. Animals are kinder than humans.
* Earl is tired and gets many extra snax these days.
* I've become an Instant Pot junkie.
* Buried just under all the news, there is some amazing and stunning art being made, please take the time to see it, appreciate it, share it and buy it
June 22, 2020
Self Portrait #8 - Ever inward. 2020 has been fraught with many unsettling and uncomfortable horrors and atrocities, It has taken many things from me, but it has also given me much, including ample time for introspection.
Early on, I dodged and fought it, but as time will do, it has worn me down and I have no choice but to look inward.
I'm beginning to truly appreciate it too. I am learning and growing and coping in ways that I would have never been capable of just 5 short months ago. I am accepting and acknowledging and understanding in ways that would have been impossible 5 months ago.
I am finding my voice in the isolation and I am using it in new and more effective ways. I am learning the difference between healthy tolerance and healthy intolerance and I'm making adjustments to accommodate more of the first in my heart and mind and to rid my life entirely of the latter.
I love watching the world change and feel incredibly lucky to be living through this time in history; to witness it with my own eyes. It's a gift and one I treasure... Uncomfortable as it can be.
Change is hard, always. But you either learn to adapt or you get left behind. That's a truth none of us can deny. And while I am doing much changing on my own right here alone in quarantine, I am doing the most changing globally with all of you. Thank you for the opportunity.
June 26, 2020
Self Portrait #9 - I fear; I fear that this virus is going to get so, so, so much worse. It is not going to disappear, it never was going to. I fear that once unemployment ends on July 31st, things are going to get dire for millions of people. I fear they want us all to go back to work, but fear that for many, quite possibly the majority of those people, do not have jobs to go back to. I fear that those millions will be facing homelessness and bankruptcy come September, October and November. I fear that and the virtual death of Air BnB will cause the housing market to crash. I fear that as companies allow for more permanent work from home options, they will be downscaling their physical space, so I fear that the real estate market will also crash. I fear that we never really will go back to normal. I fear that all of this could have been avoided if a few million angry Americans hadn't voted for no other reason than to "own the libs".
However, I am filled with hope. Maybe normal really wasn't working. Clearly it wasn't, after all, here we are... I believe that without this global pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement would not have had the opportunity to thrive and make change. I applaud the planet for shutting us down for a minute so she can do a bit of healing. I am in awe watching people grow and change and learn to fight. And I'm grateful because we are going to need many allies to survive this brave new world. I think the young and the artists will lead the way and teach us how to move forward and create a new future. A future that I firmly believe will be brighter than any of us can imagine. I hope and believe that all of my fears will lead to a sweeping election like we have never seen, and that then, maybe we will once again have leaders in the nation who can address the governmental help we are gonna need to survive as a people and a nation.
We are caged, but we are free. Please vote...
June 29, 2020
Self Portrait #10 - Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick...
It's all so easy to get sucked into the fear and anger. Things can feel incredibly scary right now but there is hope around every corner.
Against all odds, the Supreme Court upheld the integrity of the constitution again today. That's three times in a matter of weeks.
Mississippi is changing its flag, Confederate statues are being voluntarily removed. Police departments are facing reform, states & cities are changing their laws to address systemic racism.
Yesterday we caught our first glance of Pence in a mask with an urging plea for the public to wear them. And while it infuriates me to no end that it took until almost July for our government to admit it, to not deny it, to not call it a hoax. It took 6 very long months, but they finally had no choice but to say it.
I'm inspired. I'm inspired by people willing to use their voice, willing to be vulnerable, willing to speak truth to power. I'm inspired by art, by love, by nature.
To be honest, I'm humored by it all too; tornados, a global pandemic, murder hornets, racial tensions, Saharan dust storms, social justice, economic collapse, conspiracy theories and a failed government in an election year all bearing down on us like a freight train at the same time. Its terrifying but also funny, in a dark humor kind of way.
And in spite of all of it, justice is finding its way, science is winning, and you fine people keep showing up.
Keep doing it. Keep right on marching, and protesting, and using your art, and your voice, and your humor. Keep right on educating and pressing for change. Ignore the temptation to give into hatred. Keep leading with love. Its working.
July 2, 2020
Self Portrait #11 - The 4th of July... As we head into this holiday weekend I worry for my country. I worry about the language we are using and I worry about the divide.
I miss living in a country where a difference of opinion didn't mean "enemies". I miss terms like, "fellow countrymen".
I don't believe that half the country is filled with very fine people and the other half are dangerous anarchists. Nor do I believe that half the country are stupid racists and the other half are entitled elite.
I do believe that the vast majority of us sit somewhere in the middle.
I don't understand the divisiveness. i don't understand why we seem to love it. but we do. We eat it up like ice cream on a hot day. But I don't and I don't get it. I honestly don't.
I don't understand how we can't even get on the same page concerning a global health concern. How did that happen to us? How did we allow name-calling and ugly rhetoric turn us against each other to the point that protecting our communities and families with 4 inches of fabric makes us enemies?
It's heartbreaking really.
And if we can't even get on the same page for something as simple as the lives of people we love how do we even begin to repair the broader divide?
I know how I will. I will continue to lead with love, I will continue to try and hear opposing views, I will continue to read and research and do my own homework. I will continue to not share hateful meme's that do nothing but stoke more hatred. I will continue to be respectful of others. I will continue to share my ideals with compassion and patience. I will damn sure not vote for anyone who perpetuates an ounce of division amongst "us".
Politicians can sling all the mud they want at each other, they signed up for it. But the second a candidate tells me to hate my fellow Americans, my fellow countrymen; well that's the breaking point. I will not tolerate that. I hope that you won't either.
I hope that this 4th of July, however large or small your celebration, you will take a second to stick out your proverbial hand to someone different from you. That's my America, help me make it yours too.
July 7, 2020
Self Portrait #12 - I took this just last week. I've spent so many mornings like this, but this year I've spent many a full day like this. I never will again... Funny the very small minutia that you don't know you'll miss until its gone. I've complained so much about being in isolation, turns out I'm incredibly grateful for it in some ways. I'm so happy that ol Earl had me completely here and present for his last days. Life really is in the details. I'm reminded to try and do better about recognizing them in the moment. Take nothing for granted friends...
July 11, 2020
Self Portrait #13 - I am blessed. I am lucky. In so many ways I have so much to be grateful for. I should have no complaints... But I do. I have so so so many. I miss Earl more than I ever dreamed I would. His ashes are ready to be picked up but I can't go get them. For reasons I can't share here I really am in total isolation quarantine. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. I can't even go to the store and you can't Postmates your dead dog.
The isolation wears on my mental state. The Covid recovery doesn't help. That thing people talk about where recovered patients have cognitive issues is real. I have Post-It notes all over the place reminding me to do simple tasks. I forget how regular things work and am constantly on Google looking up "how to". And its frustrating beyond what you can imagine. Never mind the blood issues I now have. The mental fog is harder to work through.
July 13, 2020
Self Portrait #14 - I am gone and I’m not coming back. I’m so fundamentally changed at a core level that the person I was before 2020 doesn’t exist any longer. And I’m glad.
I see you all out there. I see your anger and your rage and your sorrow. And I understand. I understand it all. The loss is overwhelming.
The loss of life; friends, family, pets, hero’s, icons and strangers. The loss of jobs, lives, homes, careers and entire industries. The loss of simple things we once took for granted; drinks with friends, parties for children, celebrations and funerals.
And I feel your fear. It’s palpable and that too I understand. Most days I’m paralyzed with it. Paralyzed with the fear that things will not go back to normal, the fear of the unknown and the fear of more loss.
The divide between us is gruesome. It’s awful and painful. Families torn apart, friendships destroyed, marriages ended. I’ve witnessed it all. I’ve seen us turn on each other like rabid dogs and I loathe it.
I can’t. My heart cannot carry one more ounce of hatred or venom toward my fellow man. There is not one grudge I’m interested in holding, not one fight I’m willing to pick. Not one old beef that isn’t squashed. I just don’t have the space.
Not when I know that all of us, every single one of us is buried in the same loss and the same fear. And knowing that, I can’t feel anything but empathy.
Your hateful memes, your ugly comments, and your angry rants don’t enrage me, they instead break my heart. Not for me, but for you. Your pain is palpable. And I’m sorry.
Our entire sense of safety has been ripped from underneath us. The veil has been torn away. Everything we believed has been proven a farce and no one seems to want to take an ounce of accountability.
No one has stood up and said, “Direct it here. Direct all your pain and anger and fears here.” There are no answers, no plans, nothing. Instead of leadership they not only allow us to turn on each other, they encourage it. They fan the flames as if to say, “better there than here.” But I’m not buying it. I’m not buying it for a second. I know exactly where my rage is directed and it’s laser focused.
I will no longer pick up my sword to wield it against you. I’m picking up three and I’m wielding them at the entire system. And I’ll die fighting to change it.
Because I am changed and I’m not coming back. And I’m glad.
July 29, 2020
Self portrait #15. - Today is my birthday, I am 52 years old. This past year has taught me many things. But the main thing I am learning is how to live with myself. - Literally.
To live inside my own mind, with my thoughts, my ideals & my choices. Without the influence or option of quieting any of it by taking my ass out to a show or deep diving into work or hosting a deck hang or even doing simple things like shopping, getting a cup of coffee or wandering around a farmers market.
- Just like it is for you, that’s a powerful gift.
This year there will be no party, no deck hang, no taco bar, no happy hour at the 5 Spot or after party at Dee’s. And that’s ok.
As you can see, we have balloons & candles. And I have apps that will bring me crab legs & cupcakes at my will & command. - It’s the Rona year & that’s kinda kick ass should I ever write a book, so I’m gonna celebrate & splurge big time and I’m going to make a wish.
My wish this year is that each of you are learning to live with, love & forgive yourselves too. We are gonna need each other to make it out of this alive, so take care of you. I’m counting on you being there on the other side.
Oh and yeah. The rainbow glasses are on purpose. The yellow is for the moms. (I stand with the moms.) And the lipstick is for AOC delivering the feminist speech of the century.
And if any of that bugs you, call me. Don’t get all agro on here. Holler at me for real. I’m up for all the conversations, as long as that’s what they are; conversations.
August 5, 2020
Self Portrait #16- It's all just a blur... Wake up, feed the animals, fill the bird feeders, move to the deck. Find the news or open social media to see what horrors are unveiled for today. Grieve for another death, one that affects me or someone I love; pets, friends, parents, siblings, co-workers or idols. Find a place to walk Leon, make some kind of human contact, lock Frank in his room for a nap, free the birds, talk to the squirrels, make dinner, find something to distract my mind and try to sleep.
The days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and suddenly it’s all a blur, and I know that I am not the only one.
I'm starting to fear for my mental health come fall and winter. I've been able to navigate all of this for the spring and summer. I have the deck, countless parks, sunshine, long days. But what happens when it's dark at 5:00 and I have but this small house to sit in? What then?
Mexico? Maybe. It's a real possibility and gets realer every day. Get a roommate and move? Maybe. That too might be an option. Stay put, be strong and figure it out? - It's hard to decide when you can't plan. None of us can plan much of anything really. We don't know what a month from now looks like, let alone six months or a year from now.
For those of us in the gig / events / music industries its even more uncertain. "Find something new" they say. At 52 years old, I don't know what that looks like, especially when you take in the above paragraph. Do I shift course when maybe there's a way in 6 months? Can I hang on that long?
I don't know where I'm going with this but if you too are feeling like life is one big blurry mess and you are trying so very hard to find a focus point, I wanted you to know you are not alone. I'm right here with you.
August 22, 2020
Self Portrait #17 - Moving on...I love this house so much. For a decade now it has housed me, protected me, given me shelter and been a true home. Hundreds and hundreds of people have darkened its door to celebrate, to mourn, to create, to love to share, imbibe, laugh and create community. It has been a respite for many a weary traveler, musician, friend and even a few foes.
Much good was done in this house; years of homeless outreach, thousands and thousands of boxes of supplies have been opened, sorted and sent back out to those in need. It has served as a community center when disaster struck, it stepped up again as a place to collect items for those hurt or displaced during the tornado.
Dogs and cats and birds have all thrived here, played here, grown old and died here. And that doesn't take into account the wildlife that abounds. A-hole the squirrel and his ever growing family, the dozens of flocks of wild birds that return year after year, the wren that makes her nest on my porch every year, and we can't leave out the damn snakes.
Then there's the deck. That famous deck. The site of so many parties, guitar pulls, late night shenanigans, long cries, fires, fireworks, and fun. Countless long talks, plans to be made, conversations, stories, meals, drinks, and absolute mayhem.
I love this house. It has served me well. I am grateful for it.
But like with so many things, this year has shown me that I must move on from that which no longer serves me. I am not the woman who moved into this house, as I've said before in this series of self portraits, I am changed. Its time to manifest that change in a physical way.
Another place has called to me and I knew it instantly, so I'm going to answer. I believe it will serve me and the animals in this new phase of our lives and who we are now, not who we have been in the past. I'll reveal the details of all of that as it gets closer, this post isn't really about that, its about saying good bye to this beautiful, warm, loving space that I and so many others have called home all these years. I hope whomever gets it after me feels the love I'm leaving behind.
The next few weeks will be exciting. Melancholy, sometimes sad, but exciting. Its a leap of faith, but I'm listening to my heart on this one.
August 30, 2020
Self Portrait #18: Grief... It has been a year of grief has it not? So many have lost so much. It's easy to look around and understand the unrest and the anger and the rage. What is hard for me to comprehend is the cruelty and abject hatred.
I miss living in a country where we all could at the very least agree that civilians killing civilians was awful. Full stop. We didn't "root" for death simply because the deceased held different views or values than us. We didn't diminish their lives or the grief their families and friends were left to deal with because there were conspiracy theories or rumors about their past that supported our own opinions. It was once a place where we all could come together and agree on at least that, death at the hands of another is bad.
I miss civility. I miss living in a country where adults were chided or blacklisted for using language to describe people that would land a 6th grader in time out or ground a teenager for a month. I miss a time that we didn't manipulate images of other human beings to make them "ugly". No human is ugly. We were all made in his image. At least that is what I was raised to believe. Apparently now all bets are off, as long as you disagree with someone; you can belittle them, humiliate them, disparage them, and call for their riddance from this earth and then in the next breath, demand that "Christian values" are under attack. It’s vile.
I miss kindness and empathy, I miss listening and learning, I miss the truth. There are no alternative facts and anyone presenting you with them is lying to you. I miss humility, I miss leaders admitting fault, vowing to do better and then being better. I miss the idea of unity over divide. I hear an awful lot of "this side" & "that side", when the truth is that this country was founded on the ideal of "One nation, under God".
Some of y'all want everyone to stand and say the pledge of allegiance and you damn sure better include those last two words in that quote, but you never place the same demand on the first two words. We are after all The "United" States of America, remember? United is supposed to be the key word there. And if you are so damn dug into "your side" that you have no tolerance for the other, then I say you are just as un-American as the people you chastise for leaving out the latter.
I miss common sense, I miss people using Google before posting, I miss science, I miss kindness, I miss accountability. We say things like "Its societies fault" and then look away as if we've done something or thats some magic statement that solves anything. What is society anyway if it is not you? You are society. You are responsible. We all are. And with that responsibility comes accountability.
Do better and then be better. I don't mean to be dramatic here, but it’s our only hope as a country. It's up to me and it’s up to you. No one else is going to save us.
December 1, 2020
Self Portrait #19 - Feeling all over the place lately? Me too. It’s such a strange mix of hope & despair / anticipation & fear. Everyday brings news that maybe in the not so distant future we will get our lives back, but the hell if I even know what that looks like anymore. I know this much, when the world does open back up I’m not taking one thing for granted. I don’t ever want to get complacent again. I want to break out and do better. I want to be better. I’m going to say, “no” more, I’m also going to say, “yes” more. I’m going to scare the shit out of myself, I’m going to draw on this year for decades to come. I’m going to use it as a force to push me farther than I ever wanted to go. - For now, I’m trying to celebrate the good days and go easy on myself on the hard days. I’m trying to feel it all.
December 31, 2020
Self Portrait #20- Rollin' into 2021 like... Hoping that for all us the dark forest that we have all traversed this year will lead to light and to nourishment of the mind, body & spirit in the coming days. No resolutions from me this year except to continue to survive and grow. I send my deepest blessings to all of you.
February 22, 2021
Self Portrait #21 - The Snowstorm: It felt like a metaphor for me. It's been almost a year now that we've lived with the reality of the virus. Almost a year that we've been frozen, locked inside, trapped...
There was a part of me that wanted to lean into that mentally, but as I looked at the hushed magic outside my window I was taken back to the few times in my childhood when it would snow. I instead leaned into that rather than those old dark demons that came scratching at my door.
What would that little girl care about, more importantly what would she not care about? I knew the answers and I listened to her. I frolicked & played, I built a snowman (sorry glutes & thighs), I made snow angels, I felt the cold on my cheeks and let it seep into my fingers & bones, and then I ate tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches to warm them back up again.
Mostly, I sat in amazement of the beauty of it all and of and the utter quiet this kind of snow brings. And I rejoiced in the very grown up knowing that a late February snow means Spring is coming. It's right around the corner.
March 19, 2021
Self Portrait #22 - I’ve been working on forgiveness lately; for those who have wronged me, used me, lied to & about me and those who have betrayed me. Most importantly I have been working on forgiving myself; for failing, for allowing, for participating… Ive been working on letting the emotions that come to come.
I let rage wash over me, I feel it, I acknowledge it, I allow it and then I let it go. I let sadness come in and I sit with it and then cast it out with a new day. I allow the grief to settle in my bones and then put my feet on the ground and imagine it escaping into the earth from my toes. It has made me stronger, bolder, and quieter.
Forgiveness is a process, it is not swift, it is slow and painstaking. It is methodical and takes practice and patience. Forgiveness is not about allowing toxic, cruel or manipulative thoughts, patterns or people into your life, it is instead about accepting them as they are and thanking them for helping you to grow. It is not linear or clean. It is time consuming, frustrating and there will be many setback along the way. However you must keep the faith.
The only thing that blocks us from receiving the love we deserve is resentment and the only blade sharp enough to cut through resentment is forgiveness.
I don’t share this to remind you, I share this to remind myself.